The Lent has arrived!

And guess what? I did not have any idea that yesterday was the Ash Wednesday. I skipped the mass, and I bought enjoyed KFC for dinner. And felt guilty about it. Catholics tend to feel guilty about things.

As a result, I made a compromise to really abstain from something this year (usually it fails). I used to abstain from meat, but since 2 years ago, I decided that it’s just too easy to abstain from meat (no need for self-control whatsoever)

So maybe I told Him that I shall try to abstain from shopping unnecessary stuffs. Which is too heavy a cross to carry, honestly, although it will do a good fix on my leaking bank account.

But of course, it’s best to start from the simpler stuff. What about abstaining from excessive daily internet consumption? Oh no, I can’t abstain from internet. And it’s very difficult to define ‘excessive’.

Let me try abstaining from snacks. Another impossible thing to do, lol. Anyway, I have been snacking on yoghurt, which is rather healthy, so there’s no point abstaining from something that benefits my body.

I really can’t decide. But one thing for sure, I can’t even abstain from meat now because, hm well, I’ve turned carnivorous since the beginning of the year (it’s all chicken and chicken and chicken). And it’s very difficult to find a substitute for meat here. The hostel caterer does not usually serve fish (and even if fish is served, I can’t even stand the sight of it, let alone eat it), which I eat as a substitute to meat.

OH HELP ME!!!

Pardon me, I just have to put down these random thoughts about my faith…

(It’s so hot now in my room. Shall I buy a new fan? Does it make any difference?)

Anyway, here’s a quote: “Yesterday’s moral outrage has a way of becoming today’s necessary evil and tomorrow’s common good.”

It does make sense. It’s getting harder and harder not to sin these days, because the surrounding just force us to sin. And I don’t even like to use the word ’sin’ today, because it sounds so horrible, like I’ve committed some mistakes that cannot be undone, which is not true theoretically (and theologically, through ablution you can fix it), so I’d rather use the word ‘mistake’. And by the way, I have never accepted the notion of ‘original sin’. It just doesn’t make sense.

My priest said one day that the Catholics in the USA are ‘cafetarian Catholics’ because they choose what they want to believe in, and discard others that are not so appealing to them. I guess I’m like them. But how can the church continue to force-feed us some teachings that do not make sense anymore? And how do we know that those are really what God wants?

One day, my mom and I share this thought: what if the entire Bible is just a book of analogy, and perhaps a historical script and a book of moral guidance? Given Jesus’ fondness of analogies, I think this is a reasonable thought. And what if this whole faith thing is not about searching a physical deity? Maybe it’s about reaching a state of peace of mind (because that’s what modern priests have told us today, that heaven is no longer a place, but a mental state) In a way, I love that idea. And especially after I read the book “Eat, Pray and Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert (who seek both worldly pleasure and divine transcendence -something I want, too), the idea of seeking a peaceful mental state and to find the divine deity that rests within us sounds very nice. And I’ve always known that in time of depression, I can’t never rely on others. Okay, so I talk to others, I listen to their solution, but in the end, it’s the overcoming of my OWN mental barrier that help me go through difficult time. It’s about listening to my inner self, and perhaps that’s the divine deity Gilbert has been talking about. I hope so.

But my mom and I were too scared to continue to deal with that notion. It’s just too foreign, and too profound. It changes our entire perception of our religion. And I don’t like how that idea doesn’t offer any explanation about the afterlife (so okay, who can possibly explain that?) I don’t want to accept the idea that after I die, it’s nothing, just a peace of mind, just a long, eternal slumber. Honestly, I’d rather have an Eden with angels floating around playing harps and an endless supply of wine (which is boring in my priest’s opinion). But if that idea is what my religion has been hiding and refusing to reveal it (because it’s too groundbreaking-earthshaking), then by all means, tell us, give us some hints, so that we may finally believe in the power of religions and not wrestling with them continuously, comparing it to science, blaming it for the sorrow of the world, cursing those who spread religions forcefully and insensitively (including many evangelists, in my opinion). And finally, let us have that little peace of mind.

About my personal drive

About no.5 on my previous post “It’s been a while since…”, I should cancel that. Some of my prayers are answered, and as usual, in the most unexpected way. Coincidence? Nah, I don’t believe in coincidences.

Anyway, the archbishop delivered a very sensible sermon yesterday. He is certainly not very comfortable with secularism (and so are we, the believers). He said that religion does not solve problems instantly (like *poof, it just disappear*? apparently not), but instead it gives us strength to face the world. And while his sermon is usually boring, he is certainly able to relate with us. He doesn’t merely talk about blind faith (which turns me off).

This brings me to my next point. I’m very irritated with people who feel the needs to criticise others’ religion, or make fun of it. Religion for me is also a personal inspiration, a personal drive. This particular function of religion to me is no different from other source of inspirations. I understand that we the believers are sometimes very single-minded and proud and forceful and so on, but so are the rest of the world. So it’s really unfair to target the religion when the problem lies with the individual. We do learn about respect, don’t we, so we’d better practise it.

Anyway, I’m still grappling with my faith but twice I have struck a deal with God, and twice, it’s answered. Hah, I’m probably on the eighth station of Via Dolorosa, you see, just like all those weeping women, all I can do is whine and whine. I need Him to come and wake me up personally.

Let me wish for strength.

Boycotting the church

I’m a regular churchgoer. Fine, make that a yearlong churchgoer. But no, I won’t say I’m pious or devout or religious or anything close. I’m-just-a-sinner, just like any other Christian.

I’m boycotting the church again today. By that, I mean taking a break from that regular church visits. I did this once during the Easter this year, I didn’t attend the Easter Vigil. Laugh at me all you want, but I’ve been attending the Easter Vigil for more than ten years. Why then, the sudden boycott?

First of all, I’m tired. Not just physically (I had a bad week last week and exhausting friday and saturday), but mentally. I’m tired of the disappointment I get from the church. Don’t get me wrong, I’m perfectly OK with God, I’m never tired of Him. I realise that whatever it is that humans do, nothing is right. So the church, which is controlled and commercialised by humans, will never be able to deliver maximum spiritual satisfaction (pardon the commercialised term)

Secondly, I thought that by taking a break from religion, I might be able to rebuild my eroded faith. You see, I’m getting sick of chanting the same prayers again and again, I can recite all my requests to God (protect my family, grant the deceased eternal happiness, help me get good grades) automatically. It’s similar to blurting out swear words, you say it before you think about it, and you can’t exactly do away with it. Reciting Our Father since I learnt how to read is no chore at all, I can do it without thinking. Seriously, all I want is some serenity out of praying to God. I mean, you are supposed to communicate in prayer. I just can’t do it anymore.

Finally, church oh church, why don’t you cater to our spiritual needs? We each have specific needs and we don’t need all the standard advices universally repeated anywhere else. And for goodness’ sake, stop all the  splitting and formation of new churches and fighting among yourselves to get the most followers.

So no, I have never considered converting to other religions. For me, all other religions are just the same, they are construction by human. I just want some peacefulness.

(Anyway, there is this CHOICE weekend retreat I’m dying to go to, but my budget is rather tight now sobs)