Pardon me, I just have to put down these random thoughts about my faith…

(It’s so hot now in my room. Shall I buy a new fan? Does it make any difference?)

Anyway, here’s a quote: “Yesterday’s moral outrage has a way of becoming today’s necessary evil and tomorrow’s common good.”

It does make sense. It’s getting harder and harder not to sin these days, because the surrounding just force us to sin. And I don’t even like to use the word ’sin’ today, because it sounds so horrible, like I’ve committed some mistakes that cannot be undone, which is not true theoretically (and theologically, through ablution you can fix it), so I’d rather use the word ‘mistake’. And by the way, I have never accepted the notion of ‘original sin’. It just doesn’t make sense.

My priest said one day that the Catholics in the USA are ‘cafetarian Catholics’ because they choose what they want to believe in, and discard others that are not so appealing to them. I guess I’m like them. But how can the church continue to force-feed us some teachings that do not make sense anymore? And how do we know that those are really what God wants?

One day, my mom and I share this thought: what if the entire Bible is just a book of analogy, and perhaps a historical script and a book of moral guidance? Given Jesus’ fondness of analogies, I think this is a reasonable thought. And what if this whole faith thing is not about searching a physical deity? Maybe it’s about reaching a state of peace of mind (because that’s what modern priests have told us today, that heaven is no longer a place, but a mental state) In a way, I love that idea. And especially after I read the book “Eat, Pray and Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert (who seek both worldly pleasure and divine transcendence -something I want, too), the idea of seeking a peaceful mental state and to find the divine deity that rests within us sounds very nice. And I’ve always known that in time of depression, I can’t never rely on others. Okay, so I talk to others, I listen to their solution, but in the end, it’s the overcoming of my OWN mental barrier that help me go through difficult time. It’s about listening to my inner self, and perhaps that’s the divine deity Gilbert has been talking about. I hope so.

But my mom and I were too scared to continue to deal with that notion. It’s just too foreign, and too profound. It changes our entire perception of our religion. And I don’t like how that idea doesn’t offer any explanation about the afterlife (so okay, who can possibly explain that?) I don’t want to accept the idea that after I die, it’s nothing, just a peace of mind, just a long, eternal slumber. Honestly, I’d rather have an Eden with angels floating around playing harps and an endless supply of wine (which is boring in my priest’s opinion). But if that idea is what my religion has been hiding and refusing to reveal it (because it’s too groundbreaking-earthshaking), then by all means, tell us, give us some hints, so that we may finally believe in the power of religions and not wrestling with them continuously, comparing it to science, blaming it for the sorrow of the world, cursing those who spread religions forcefully and insensitively (including many evangelists, in my opinion). And finally, let us have that little peace of mind.

Self-sufficiency for Eve’s descendants

Man says to God, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says, “So you would love her.”
“But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?”
God replies, “So she would love you.”

Over the years, I have heard again and again from different people, including those whom I thought I could respect, that women do not need to have high ambition or high education or in short, lots of money because all will be provided by their husbands. No matter how often I heard this kind of remarks, my blood boils.

Some guys today made similar remarks and I tried very hard not to retort because then, I would sound unintelligent (har har). Ok, so I was whining about university majors and future goals, and so perhaps I whined a little too much, but their remarks stung. So I told them that I need lots of money to shop  and I asked them, rhetorically, if they would be willing to provide the money (for their future wives). There are more implications of course aside from my materialist reasoning. I need to be free of my husband’s control, too and I have always somehow been reluctant to depend too much on people (so that others won’t depend too much on me, ergh, that sounds bad, what I mean is I respect a person who can fend for himself or herself more than those who are super dependent on others) And of course, I need the skills for ‘rainy days’ and I do not want to be a bored or boring wife.

Perhaps it’s my family that influences my view on this. The only man in my family is my father. And my mother has suffered from gender discrimination in her own family. And I’ve witnessed too many cases of discrimination in my big family which still largely adopts some unreasonable, archaic oriental traditions. But it does make me wonder, if I were to have a brother, will my parents treat us differently in terms of dealing with our dreams?

Oh, heck.

Anyway there’s a case of food theft on my floor. And the victim has pledged fervently to hunt the thief down and not to spare her once she caught the culprit. Ooh, scary. But how do you eliminate theft? Labelling your food as suggested by the hostel staff clearly won’t deter thieves. My solution is to provide small fridges for every room and of course, an air-con too for each room since it’s so hot and humid. (hahaha, dream on, dream on)

hy·poc·ri·sy

– a pretense of having some desirable or publicly approved attitude.

(http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hypocrisy)

Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree

I used to love this song (“Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree”), a lot! When I haven’t really understood what the lyrics mean, I have loved the tunes. And when I learnt about the lyrics, I loved it even more. Plus, this manga I really love (“Lovely Mari-Chan” by Kimiko Uehara), had similar theme as the song. You know: patience, distance, homecoming, mistakes, forgiveness, second chance, yada yada yada. But then the Yellow Ribbon Project (about accepting ex-con back into the society) spoiled it all, don’t get me wrong, it is a totally cool project and it’s really appropriate for them to use this song. Just that, my bad habits, I don’t like my favorite songs being commercialised, because I’ll get bored of it and it loses its appeals.

So anyway, talking about forgiveness, I realise that sometimes it’s difficult for me to forgive others. Ok, so I told them I forgave them, but I remember what has happened ,like, forever. Like those girls who snatched away my swings when I was in kindergarten (I GOT THEM FIRST, I RAN ALL THE WAY FROM THE CLASSROOM JUST TO CLAIM THE SWINGS, but we are quite good friends now, haha). But then, I tried to forgive, you see. I just see it as something very funny now.

Now, let’s talk about second chance. Another bad habits of mine, although I try very hard not to believe in gossips before witnessing them myself or in first impressions, I’m easily swayed by them. And guess what, I might have been very mean to those who actually wanted to change and to have the second chance. Oh well, I hope I’ll change for the better.

This is a very personal post, sobs. Don’t use it against me (or I’ll remember you till my dying breath…OOPS).