Pardon me, I just have to put down these random thoughts about my faith…

(It’s so hot now in my room. Shall I buy a new fan? Does it make any difference?)

Anyway, here’s a quote: “Yesterday’s moral outrage has a way of becoming today’s necessary evil and tomorrow’s common good.”

It does make sense. It’s getting harder and harder not to sin these days, because the surrounding just force us to sin. And I don’t even like to use the word ’sin’ today, because it sounds so horrible, like I’ve committed some mistakes that cannot be undone, which is not true theoretically (and theologically, through ablution you can fix it), so I’d rather use the word ‘mistake’. And by the way, I have never accepted the notion of ‘original sin’. It just doesn’t make sense.

My priest said one day that the Catholics in the USA are ‘cafetarian Catholics’ because they choose what they want to believe in, and discard others that are not so appealing to them. I guess I’m like them. But how can the church continue to force-feed us some teachings that do not make sense anymore? And how do we know that those are really what God wants?

One day, my mom and I share this thought: what if the entire Bible is just a book of analogy, and perhaps a historical script and a book of moral guidance? Given Jesus’ fondness of analogies, I think this is a reasonable thought. And what if this whole faith thing is not about searching a physical deity? Maybe it’s about reaching a state of peace of mind (because that’s what modern priests have told us today, that heaven is no longer a place, but a mental state) In a way, I love that idea. And especially after I read the book “Eat, Pray and Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert (who seek both worldly pleasure and divine transcendence -something I want, too), the idea of seeking a peaceful mental state and to find the divine deity that rests within us sounds very nice. And I’ve always known that in time of depression, I can’t never rely on others. Okay, so I talk to others, I listen to their solution, but in the end, it’s the overcoming of my OWN mental barrier that help me go through difficult time. It’s about listening to my inner self, and perhaps that’s the divine deity Gilbert has been talking about. I hope so.

But my mom and I were too scared to continue to deal with that notion. It’s just too foreign, and too profound. It changes our entire perception of our religion. And I don’t like how that idea doesn’t offer any explanation about the afterlife (so okay, who can possibly explain that?) I don’t want to accept the idea that after I die, it’s nothing, just a peace of mind, just a long, eternal slumber. Honestly, I’d rather have an Eden with angels floating around playing harps and an endless supply of wine (which is boring in my priest’s opinion). But if that idea is what my religion has been hiding and refusing to reveal it (because it’s too groundbreaking-earthshaking), then by all means, tell us, give us some hints, so that we may finally believe in the power of religions and not wrestling with them continuously, comparing it to science, blaming it for the sorrow of the world, cursing those who spread religions forcefully and insensitively (including many evangelists, in my opinion). And finally, let us have that little peace of mind.

Boycotting the church

I’m a regular churchgoer. Fine, make that a yearlong churchgoer. But no, I won’t say I’m pious or devout or religious or anything close. I’m-just-a-sinner, just like any other Christian.

I’m boycotting the church again today. By that, I mean taking a break from that regular church visits. I did this once during the Easter this year, I didn’t attend the Easter Vigil. Laugh at me all you want, but I’ve been attending the Easter Vigil for more than ten years. Why then, the sudden boycott?

First of all, I’m tired. Not just physically (I had a bad week last week and exhausting friday and saturday), but mentally. I’m tired of the disappointment I get from the church. Don’t get me wrong, I’m perfectly OK with God, I’m never tired of Him. I realise that whatever it is that humans do, nothing is right. So the church, which is controlled and commercialised by humans, will never be able to deliver maximum spiritual satisfaction (pardon the commercialised term)

Secondly, I thought that by taking a break from religion, I might be able to rebuild my eroded faith. You see, I’m getting sick of chanting the same prayers again and again, I can recite all my requests to God (protect my family, grant the deceased eternal happiness, help me get good grades) automatically. It’s similar to blurting out swear words, you say it before you think about it, and you can’t exactly do away with it. Reciting Our Father since I learnt how to read is no chore at all, I can do it without thinking. Seriously, all I want is some serenity out of praying to God. I mean, you are supposed to communicate in prayer. I just can’t do it anymore.

Finally, church oh church, why don’t you cater to our spiritual needs? We each have specific needs and we don’t need all the standard advices universally repeated anywhere else. And for goodness’ sake, stop all the  splitting and formation of new churches and fighting among yourselves to get the most followers.

So no, I have never considered converting to other religions. For me, all other religions are just the same, they are construction by human. I just want some peacefulness.

(Anyway, there is this CHOICE weekend retreat I’m dying to go to, but my budget is rather tight now sobs)